Bad
Taste?
In San Diego in the late 1980's, a man named Tony
visited an old people's home and began speaking with
an elderly lady. As he talked, he helped himself to
peanuts from a jar at the side of the old woman's
chair. After some time, he asked the woman if she
would like a peanut. She replied, "Oh, I can't
eat the things dear. I just suck the chocolate off
and drop them in a jar beside my chair."
From
Comfort, the Feeble-minded...consolation for people
who do dumb things 1(800) 437-1893
Save the Whales
In Oregon, some clever authorities decided that they
would blow up a beached dead whale with dynamite,
rather than go to the trouble and expense of burying
the rotting mammal. They surmised that after it was
blown up, the hundreds of hungry seagulls that were
hanging around would then eat the small portions of
the big fish, and deal with the problem. The crowds
and news media were moved back a ¼ of a mile
and the dynamite was exploded. Unfortunately, thousands
of pieces of rotten whale landed on the crowd, with
one big whale portion landing on a spectator’s
car, denting the roof in about 18 inches. The noise
of the explosion caused the birds to completely disappear,
leaving authorities with the exciting job of picking
up the thousands of pieces of stinking whale and burying
them.
From Comfort, the Feeble-minded...consolation
for people who do dumb things 1(800) 437-1893
What
was that?
These are actual sentences taken from letters
received by a large city's
Welfare Department in applications for support: |
1.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate
and six children. I have seven, but one
died which was baptized on a half sheet
of paper.
2. I am writing the Welfare Department to
say that my baby was born two years old.
When do I get my money?
3. You have changed my little boy to a girl.
Will this make a difference?
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children.
Can you tell me why?
5. I am glad to report that my husband who
is missing is dead.
6. This is my eighth child. What are you
going to do about it?
7. Please find for certain if my husband
is dead. The man I am now living with can't
eat or do anything till he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find you have
branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty
lie as I was married a week before he was
born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have given
birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope
this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate
and three children one of which is a mistake
as you can see.
11. Unless I get my husband's money pretty
soon, I will be forced to live an immortal
life.
12. In accordance with your instructions
I have given birth to twins in the enclosed
envelope. |
|
| From
Comfort, the Feeble-minded...consolation
for people who do dumb things 1(800)
437-1893 |
|
Not
So Cold Turkey
A man in one of the Northern States shot a turkey,
and put it and his gun in the trunk of the car. Unfortunately,
the turkey was not quite dead and it kicked it's leg,
set off the gun, and the man was shot in the leg.
After he was treated at a local hospital, he was charged
with shooting a turkey two weeks before the season
began.
From Comfort, the Feeble-minded...consolation
for people who do dumb things 1(800) 437-1893
For
Better or Worse
A young pastor in Costa Mesa, California, was officiating
at the wedding of a Mr. Bill Henry and Talia Crooks,
his new-found bride. In a cool, clear voice he said,
"We are gathered here today to celebrate the
wedding of Bill and Henry."
From Comfort, the Feeble-minded...consolation
for people who do dumb things 1(800) 437-1893
Send
the Money
A man once answered an advertisement in the newspaper
which said, "New Porsche -- $50.00" After
paying for the car, he asked the woman why she had
sold it at such a low price. She said, "My husband
ran off with his secretary, and sent me a telegram
saying, 'Sell the Porsche and send me the money.'"
From Comfort, the Feeble-minded...consolation
for people who do dumb things 1(800) 437-1893
Lack
of Evidence
In Duluth, Minnesota, a man named Jack Pettit was
arrested on a charge that he stole a neighbor's pig.
His attourney maintained that he was innocent and
filed that the case be dismissed through lack of evidence.
The judge agreed and the case was dismissed. Jack
Pettit then thanked the judge and asked, "But
do I have to give back the pig?"
From Comfort, the Feeble-minded...consolation
for people who do dumb things 1(800) 437-1893
Get
Smart
John D. Smart of St. Louis Missouri, sustained two
broken legs after smashing the window of a stereo
shop using a manhole cover from the sidewalk in front
of the store. As he backed away from the window to
admire his handiwork. Smart fell down the manhole.
From Comfort, the Feeble-minded...consolation
for people who do dumb things 1(800) 437-1893
Good
Acting
A woman was asked by the well-known and popular television
program "America’s Most Wanted," to
act the part of a vicious arsonist. She was an experienced
actress, so she gladly accepted the part. The day
after the program was aired, two New Jersey police
officers walked passed the woman. One stopped, came
back and said, "You’re the lady that was
on 'America’s Most Wanted' last night!"
She smiled at the thought of being recognized in public.
The officers arrested her.
From
Comfort, the Feeble-minded...consolation for people
who do dumb things 1(800) 437-1893
On
Their Way Out
A Munich school teacher once said that ten-year
old Albert Einstein would "never amount to
much." In 1962, the Decca Recording Company
said as they turned down the Beatles," We don’t
like their sound. Groups with guitars are on their
way out."
From
Comfort, the Feeble-minded...consolation for
people who do dumb things 1(800) 437-1893
Big
Bang Theory
When a man’s vehicle broke down on a highway,
a woman pulled alongside him and asked if she could
push-start his car, with her car. He said that his
vehicle was an automatic and therefore needed to
be pushed at 35 m.p.h. before it would start. The
woman nodded, turned her car around and drove back
down the street. She then did a U turn and hit the
man’s car . . . at 35 m.p.h!
From
Comfort, the Feeble-minded...consolation for
people who do dumb things 1(800) 437-1893
Reluctant
Swatter
A family in San Diego were moving home, but because
the husband was out of town, the wife had the unenviable
task of packing everything into cardboard boxes.
That night, she collapsed with her young family
onto the floor of their home, into sleeping bags.
During the night, the weary woman was roused by
her youngest son saying that there was a bug in
his room. She told him to swat it. When he refused,
she made her way into the darkness of the garage,
grabbed a can of bug spray and without disturbing
the other sleeping children by turning the lights
on, sprayed the window ledges and around the sleeping
bags of the kids and went back to bed. In the morning
she found that it wasn’t bug spray she had
used, but blue spray paint.
From
Comfort, the Feeble-minded...consolation for
people who do dumb things 1(800) 437-1893
Blowing
It
Man has a talent when it comes to blowing it. Take
for example the experience of an Englishman named
Mr. Peter Rolands. When he found himself in conditions
so freezing that he couldn’t get his key into
the lock of his vehicle he decided to use some ingenuity
by blowing warm air into the lock. Unfortunately,
his lips touched the freezing metal and locked to
it. He
was trapped in that posture for twenty minutes,
until continual hot breathing loosed his chilled
lips.
From
Comfort, the Feeble-minded...consolation for
people who do dumb things 1(800) 437-1893
The
Tired Lady
A woman became tired at Venice Beach in California
in the summer of 1994. The police beach patrol vehicle
ran over her as she lay face down in the sand, about
50 feet from the water’s edge. The woman who
was impressed with the vehicle they were driving,
was treated at a local hospital and discharged the
same day.
From
Comfort, the Feeble-minded...consolation for
people who do dumb things 1(800) 437-1893
Catastrophic
In 1978, during a firemen’s strike in Britain,
the army was called in to carry out the normal duties
of the firemen. During this time they received a
call from a very upset elderly woman, whose cat
was stuck up a tree. The army immediately responded
to the woman’s call and valiantly rescued the
stranded animal. The dear woman was so thrilled,
that she invited the whole group of soldiers into
her home to celebrate the event with tea and cookies.
After the celebration, fond farewells were given.
Then off went the army, driving over the cat and
killing it.From
Comfort, the Feeble-minded...consolation for
people who do dumb things 1(800) 437-1893
High-tech
Criminals
Back in 1971, three thieves at Billericay in Essex
England, gave many hours of thought to robbing the
local post office in Mountnessing Road.
Among the details that they discovered, were the
times at which there was the most cash and when
there were the least security guards on the premises.
They also invested in masks, weapons and a getaway
vehicle. These genius’left no stone unturned.
At a pre-arranged time, the gang sped through the
town and screeched to a halt outside the post office.
It was only when they jumped out of the car and
ran toward the building that they discovered the
one detail that they had omitted to check. The post
office had been closed for around twelve years.
From
Comfort, the Feeble-minded...consolation for
people who do dumb things 1(800) 437-1893
Honking
Hubby
A man had a habit of honking his horn each day as
he came home from work. His loving and faithful
wife would immediately, upon hearing the honk, open
the garage door. He would swing around a sharp corner
and drive straight into the already-opened garage.
His wife was consistent in her door-opening ministry,
until one day she failed to hear the car horn. Her
happy honking husband swung around the sharp corner,
up the driveway, through the closed doors, through
the back wall and into the vegetable garden.
From
Comfort, the Feeble-minded...consolation for
people who do dumb things 1(800) 437-1893
